GS Youngblood is a men’s coach and author. He joins Angela to discuss his book, “The Masculine in Relationship.” Youngblood believes that if a man desires more sex, respect, electricity, fun, and closeness with his partner, and less meaningless bickering, he can achieve these things only by LEADING his partner out of the current pattern of relating. In his book, Youngblood presents a three-part framework describing a well-developed Masculine core that men can use to transform their inner dynamics and become the leader their partner craves.
Transcript
Angela:
Hi, GS, how are you today?
GS:
Hello, Angela. I feel great and glad to be here. Thanks for having me on.
Angela:
So happy to talk to you. I’ve gotten into your book and I’m really enjoying it. I wondered if you could tell people a little bit about what you do, what you’re work is?
GS:
Sure. I am a men’s coach and an author. And, uh, you know, obviously you mentioned the book already, so the book is The Masculine in Relationship. And this is my offering to the world of the things that I’ve learned over the years and you know, both doing things the right way and the wrong way, probably more the latter than the former, uh, because that’s how we learn fastest, but it’s me codifying what has been successful, what I’ve found to be successful in relationship. And particularly for guys in relationship with a strong woman who has expectations for us to be grounded and in, in presence and in our own power and to have direction in life and all of those things. So this book is really written for, for nice guys who are with strong women. And there’s a lot of love there, but maybe something in the relationship isn’t quite clicking.
GS:
And you know, the men that reach out to me for one-on-one coaching and they often have a very similar story that matches that archetype. And one of the things I hear a lot is, wow. It feels like you wrote this book specifically for my life. And I hear that a lot from guys because it’s a common dynamic that’s out there. And you know what I want guys to know is number one, you’re not alone. Number two, you’re not broken. This is, this is a common dysfunctional dynamic that’s out there. And number three, you know, I think I can help you in a lot of cases. So that’s where my men’s my men’s coaching comes in, where I’m doing both group and one-on-one coaching. So that’s what I’m up to in the world.
Angela:
One thing that I have really loved about your book, as you said, it’s highly relatable. It’s very readable. It sounds like you wrote it in a way that sounds like you’re actually having a conversation. And I really love that sometimes. I think I have, um, iPhone induced add. And so sometimes when I sit down to read a book, now it’s not that easy, but I found that I was, you, you were able to maintain my attention. I mean, for one reason, it’s because this is an area that I’m really interested in. And, and you said it kind of at the, at the start culturally, we’re in a place right now where it’s almost scary for men to even admit that they want to take on masculine leadership.
GS:
So true. It is scary for men and we’re confused. We think it’s maybe our fault and what, you know, what I want to tell guys is like, look, you weren’t taught these things. There’s no way that you would know these things. You know, none of us are born with this knowledge, unless we’ve got a father that really is steeped in it as well and passes it on. And that’s, you know, our fathers love us, but that’s pretty rare. And so, yeah, it’s hard for guys to reach out. And again, that’s a little bit what I said before guys, you’re not alone. So if you’re feeling disempowered in your relationship with a woman that you do love, but you find it difficult to hold your center, you can get help. The help is out there, whether it’s with me or, or some of the other practitioners that are out there. And that’s where it was really where it was really important for me to write a book because books are so accessible. You guys can go into their little cave in the privacy of their, of their own home and read the book. And hopefully that’s kind of a, a gateway to them stepping into asking for more help.
Angela:
It’s interesting that you mentioned father, because that’s the sense that I had reading the book and what I’m going to tell people I recommend it to. It’s almost like if your great father, that everybody kind of wishes that they had sat down and wrote out an instruction manual for you. You really come at it from that place of kind authority, like a benevolent father would,
GS:
That’s what a lot of guys need guys need to be held and they need to be given sharp feedback, you know, and that’s really the tenor of the men’s work that I do, uh, where I’m training for my own teacher. It’s about men supporting each other, being sharp and giving each other reflections and creating a safe space. So a guy can really open and allow those, those sharp reflections to settle in. So I’m, I’m a big proponent of men’s work and getting into a, uh, an organized men’s group that has some structure that’s based in some of the best learnings, uh, around men’s groups.
Angela:
And I think that’s a really important piece of it that have the structure that’s based on really sound teaching. And I think this book would make a fantastic book for a men’s group to read this together and go over it chapter by chapter and just get feedback from each other. Yeah, yeah,
GS:
Absolutely. Yeah, because it brings content into the men’s group. Presumably in these men’s groups, you’ve got a group of quality men that want to go deeper. And so yeah, the, the book really provides a good way for them to, to go deeper. And I get a lot of guys from men’s group reaching out and, and saying, oh yeah, we read your book. We loved it. And sometimes they’ll actually have me come on and I’ll, and I’ll talk to the men, um, and, uh, and do kind of a group coaching slash Q and A with the group. And that’s always a lot of fun for me.
Angela:
One thing that I really appreciated about it, and that’s really appealing to me as a woman is so often men are, you know, more cerebral and you mentioned that a lot in the book, um, and it’s this or that, or black or white. And I love the way you sort of dance with the yes/and and the yes/but. And that’s another way it’s just like a great father, you know, like, okay, I have a daughter here and I have a son here and I’m going to tell you something, this is just how it is. And you have this way of just laying it down, that both sides can feel really validated. Just like how you said to the guys, we need to take a deep breath, but resistance to masculine leadership is understandable. Okay. Let’s look at history. I just love that. So it’s, you know, a lot of times in the men’s movement, we have these guys, you know, complaining about feminism still, and your message is so empowering because it’s like, Hey, you can do something about changing your life.
GS:
Yeah, absolutely. So many people see it as see it as a zero sum game. And so they get very threatened by feminism. You know what I mean, guys, let’s all lighten up. Feminism is women wanting equality and wanting things to be, uh, where they have opportunity, you know, and they have the same opportunities. Guys. It’s not rocket science. Now, of course, there’s factions in that take it, you know, over the top and too far, then there’s factions in any movement that take it too far. So we know that, but it’s not. That’s the bad apple, the bulk of, of women who consider themselves feminists just want equality. They just want what men have. And they want some of the old biases. So I say to guys, you know, don’t be threatened by this. This is not zero sum game. And that is actually core to how the masculine blueprint, which is the framework in the book, how it was designed.
GS:
It’s a model of masculinity, but there’s no zero sum game here. Like you can be, you as a man can be fully living this blueprint. You can be fully in your own power and you don’t, you don’t infringe on any of your female partner’s rights or sovereignty her power or capability. It’s not about that zero sum game. It’s just about, in my view, it’s about being less reactive, which means grounding yourself as the first element of blueprint respond versus react. It’s around bringing clarity and direction into the equation of your relationship. That’s element two; provide structure. And it’s for creating physical, financial and emotional safety for your female partner, which is going to allow her to relax into her own feminine energy. These are very, they’re, they’re not simple, but they’re straightforward. And they don’t infringe on anything on her side
Angela:
You mentioned that the old manifestation of kind of that masculine leadership was more based on, um, control compulsion domination. And what you’re suggesting this, this new manifestation is about clarity and leadership. And it’s very empowering.
GS:
Yeah. Clarity and direction. It’s about whether it’s compulsive or not. You know, if I have some expectation that you need to do what I say, or I get what I want and you don’t, if there’s any kind of power imbalance versus if I show up and let’s just, let’s just say, you know, it’s about where we go vacation. This is a example I always use, you know, instead of saying, Hey, babe, where you want to go to vacation this year. Like, I have no idea where I want to go. I’m just asking you what you want as my female partner. Rather, what I would recommend to men is do a little research, actually sit down and think about where do you as the man want to go? Like, what would you enjoy? What would you like do a little research and then bring her three choices and say, baby, I’ve been thinking about this vacation.
GS:
We talked about, I’ve got these ideas. I want to look at Croatia, Italy, and Slovenia. And you know, I’ve always wanted to go there. And so here’s some options, some things we can do and how much it might cost, how does that land for you? And so there’s two key elements in there. The first part is about I bring clarity and direction. You know, I’m moving the ball forward. I have an opinion about what I would enjoy. I’ve done the work to kind of ferret out, what it would take to, to choose these options. And then number two is I’ve included you as my female partner by saying, you know, how does that land for you? So it’s clarity. Plus inclusion is the phrase that I always use. In most cases, you know, your, your feminine partner is going to is probably going to one. Number one, appreciate that you brought some clarity, even if she doesn’t like any of your choices, she’s probably gonna appreciate that you put in the effort that you brought some of your own clarity, and then that’s the start of a conversation. So that’s just the smallest example of, of leadership that a man can bring that has nothing to do with domineering anybody else.
Angela:
One thing that, that I appreciated reading it, I know you wrote it for men, but at the same time, it kind of helped me understand my anxiety. I told you right before we started that I have three sons and just always having to keep all of those plates spinning, especially when they were younger. Um, so last night I was going out to dinner with my son. Who’s now 22, his, my nephew, who’s also 22 and his girlfriend. And so we’re doing that dance. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go? And so finally, I just said, look, I’m reading this book. And he said, masculine leadership, narrows it down for the feminine. So you guys figure it out and you give me a two or three choices. Okay. And they just looked at each other.
GS:
Can I say one thing about that, Angela, and this, this role that we’re just describing, it’s not a must, it’s a choice. You know, as a guy, there are actually roles for both the feminine and the masculine as a masculine identified partner. If that’s what you choose to be, it’s your choice. Whether you want to take on that leadership role, you don’t have to, there’s no shaming here that you’re not, but it’s a choice that you want to take that role in the relationship. And then there are inevitable, uh, outcomes from that. And there’s also inevitable outcomes or consequences of abdicating that role in relationship. And on the flip side for the feminine partner, she doesn’t have to follow your lead. She’s not supposed to because she’s your feminine partner. She may choose to, if she trusts your lead, she may choose to relinquish and say, okay, I’ll follow your lead. And so I want to emphasize the choice that’s involved there. And there’s nothing compulsive about having to take on a new role, but if that’s what you want to create in your life, the, the, the outcomes can be very enjoyable from a relationship standpoint.
Angela:
And I think that’s a really great point. It’s not coercion. It’s like for me, I, I’m fine following, you know, I love the choices. I love to be given a couple of choices, but not every woman is like that. I think you do a good job in your book of, of describing that. And just for example, I saw someone today had a post about men don’t want to be challenged. They don’t need to be challenged. They have enough in their life. That’s challenging to them. And my response to that was it depends on the man, right? Because of the three sons that I have, they all have completely different personalities. They’re going to need three different women. They wouldn’t be happy with the same woman.
GS:
Yeah. It’s funny that you brought up this, this, this notion of, because I just did a post yesterday that men need to be challenged in relationship. That’s why a lot of men want to be with a strong woman because she pushes us to be better. Now, I got some pushback from some guys that didn’t, they didn’t quite understand what I’m talking about. I can say me personally, I’m with a very strong feminine woman. And she brings a lot of feminine leadership to this. And part of that is if, if I’m not aligned with my inner state, so if I’m upset about something, but saying, I’m fine, that’s painful for her. And she’s not going to stand for that. She’s like, ah, I’m feeling something here. Like, what are you not feeling then I’m having to feel for you here. So she’s not, she’s not telling me what to do.
GS:
She’s saying, Ooh, it hurts when I feel you in congruent with your own inner emotional state versus what you’re saying externally. And she challenges me on that. And I can say, it’s, it’s, it’s not easy sometimes, but I can say probably 95% of cases that for me later on, I’m like, you know what thank you for, for pushing me because you’re you in general, you’re helping me become a better man. And I appreciate that. I’ve become a better man because of the interplay between the two of us and the ways that she won’t accept less than, than my best in a lot of ways, in terms of presence, groundedness, congruency with my inner and outer state and things like that. So she helps me be a better man. She challenges me in those ways and, and it’s not fun in the moment, but it makes me better in the end, just like exercise would, it’s not fun to run five miles for most people, but in the end of the day, you build your heart, you build your leg muscles, and you’re, you’re a stronger person because of it.
Angela:
What you were just talking about, about the feminine role. And in this, this is on page 95 for anyone who has the book, but you talked about men projecting the masculine way of being onto their woman. Be more rational, be more like me basically. And you said the primary feminine responsibility is to reflect back to you where you were not caring for her, where you are not in your heart and where you are out of integrity and where you are not conscious or present.
GS:
Yeah. The first thing I want to say is I want to attribute that, that specific paragraph to my John Wineland and David Deida, um, that was, that was a lesson I took directly from, from them. So I want to give credit where credit is due. And yeah. Now remember we’re talking about energy, so it’s not like women can only do this and men can only do this. This is, we all have a mix of masculine and feminine. So the, the feminine side of my female partner, yeah. She’s gonna call me out when I’m not, you know, congruent. As we, as I talked about before, you know, her, the role of her feminine energy is to share the pain of her heart. So if we’re on a date and I start looking at my phone, like that’s an ouch for her. It’s not a big deal, but it’s like a little bit of like, ouch, you know?
GS:
And if you, if you trail, you know, track it down, it’s like, oh, maybe he’s not interested in me tonight. Or, you know, maybe he’s a little bored and that doesn’t feel good. Like there’s a whole story behind it, but it’s a little bit of an ouch for her. So when she says something, she’s reflecting the pain in her own heart, and then it’s up to me, whether I want to continue to keep putting her heart in pain. It’s not like she says, put your phone down. She says, wow, that doesn’t feel good. When you, we’re in the middle of a conversation on our date night, and you pick up your phone to check your texts. That’s the role of feminine energy and as manifested really by either gender, quite frankly, like I can do the same thing on something that maybe is an ouch for me. So yeah, that is the role of feminine energy or at least one of them is to reflect back the pain in her heart.
Angela:
Wondering if you could say a little bit more about that energy, because I think men get really tripped up on that masculine and feminine energy and it kind of gets muddled with gender and sexuality and all of it to think of myself and my feminine and, or it goes over to the side of, Hey, I got a pedicure, I’m getting in touch with my feminine side.
GS:
We all have a mix of masculine and feminine. I already said that. And I think everybody kind of gets that. It’s really, where do you choose to bring each energies in your life? So for women at work, depending on what they do, but let’s just say they’ve got like office job. They work for a tech company here in Silicon Valley. You know, they’re going to bring their masculine energy every day. And that’s pretty normal. Like nobody’s complaining about that. It’s not a problem. Cause it’s work. You’re getting shit done at work. And then, you know, at home where if you’re managing a family or just running a household, she’s going to be in her masculine energy to get shit done. Especially if she’s on her own, that’s fine. In your intimacy, if you both show up and you’re both kind of in that energy, you’re not going to have the depth of intimacy, you need that polarity.
GS:
You know, this is where it didn’t start with David Deita goes thousands of years back to Shiva and Shakti. But I think David really brought it to light of like in relationship and intimacy, you know, you really want one person in more of that responsive, receptive pole and the other person more in that directive energy. And that’s where you get the, the juice in your intimacy. So it’s not about, you know, gender X must do this and gender, Y must do this. It’s about number one, what’s your basic orientation. And then number two is in certain situations, what do you bring to the table? And so the masculine energy is just like the blueprint says it’s stillness, groundedness, solidity, it’s direction and clarity and it’s protection, physical financial, and emotional safety. That’s masculine energy. Now a woman can, can bring that in her life. Like a, woman’s going to bring physical safety to her child.
GS:
She’s going to fight like mama bear. If anybody threatens it, you know, but do I want, do I need my woman to be grounded? No, I like her when she’s expressive, it’s more fun for me. Do I want her to set all the direction? Not actually doesn’t feel that great to me. Now, can she bring in wisdom and guidance? Absolutely. But for me to create that container of structure, that’s actually what I want to bring to the, to the relationship. And do I need her to protect me physically and financially and emotionally in most cases? No I actually don’t. I can handle myself in those. So that’s the relationship we’ve chosen. That’s the masculine energy. And you had originally asked me to clarify, you know, feminine energy is a little bit harder for me to define, as you can see in the book, it’s one of the shorter chapters and I don’t try, I’m talking about masculinity. So try to be the source on feminine, but it’s receptivity, it’s responsiveness, it’s expressiveness and qualities like that, that are more in that the feminine energy.
Angela:
It’s wild and free,
GS:
Wild and free that’s for sure. And we’re also an edgy territory here and we both know that. And so I was going to make it clear. I’m not telling anybody how they should be. If you want to be like this, I’ll describe what it is I see. And what it is. I like, but it’s such a sensitive topic that we have to step carefully. And we’re not telling anybody what they have to do, but it was a little bit of caution there. And that’s the reason.
Angela:
Yeah. I wanted to get a little bit deeper into your blueprint, but just addressing the men right now that are feeling like that pit in their stomach, knowing that they are one of the guys that need you or need this book and they’re in a sexless marriage or their woman seems angry with them all the time. You said she will never change. Her anger is possibly the pain of you not stepping up.
GS:
Yeah. I love that you brought that up. When I say that she’ll never change. What I mean is if you look at your woman and say, why do you have to be so emotional all the time, just stop that, you know, I’m giving you one example. It could be these demands for her to be different. Usually don’t work. I know she’s throwing plates and stuff and that’s clear lines to ask for, but if she’s just emotional and a little bit irrational because emotions not rational. So of course it’s a little irrational, but asking her to be different, I’ve just never seen it work. And I’ve run against that wall plenty of times, I’ve learned the hard way. What I try to do is show men in the book, here are the things that you’re doing that absolutely drive her nuts that make her feel typically unsafe, unheard, unseen.
GS:
Like those are the things that go right in into the juggler in terms of her emotional state, what’s way more effective than asking her to change or demanding that she changed or pouting until she does change is to actually just be different yourself. And I try to show the guys the ways that they can stop hurting her, that ways that they can stop losing her trust. And guess what? You start doing that and changing your own behavior and suddenly she’s different. She didn’t even try. She doesn’t even know she’s different because the feminine is so responsive. Much of her behavior in that feminine state is actually a reaction to our way of being. So it’s actually a very empowering message for men. You don’t have to wait for her. You have the power in you. You just change yourself. Nobody can stop you from changing yourself except you that’s power if you ask me because you have your fate in your own hands, okay?
Angela:
That is such a hopeful message. You say a strong masculine core is true power; looks and brains and money might make it easier, but the fate of your relationship is in your hands.
GS:
And this is so important because so many men feel a lot of despair. They just don’t think it can ever be different. And so they just keep running their head against the wall with her and, and, and interacting with her in these dysfunctional ways. And they think it’s never going to be different. And then they just shut down and go into the well, You know, whatever you want, babe. It’s actually painful for me to see that I’m here to tell you guys, you don’t have to be in despair. It’s not inevitable. And you don’t have to live with this. And guess what, guys, life’s too short. And I hate to see you waste your life completely unsatisfied and fully abdicating any leadership, just because you’re trying to stay out of trouble.
Angela:
I’m going to read a quote from page 84. You have three choices at this point. One is to surrender to her lead and to become emasculated. The second is to fight back and that generally leads to horrible relationship or a parting of ways. And your third option is to become the masculine leader that she craves.
GS:
Yeah, it’s not rocket science here. You’ve got them, you know, and you can either roll over or you can whine or you can do something about it. And a lot of guys here’s the problem. And here’s where the resistance comes from. The guys feel a little hen packed. And when she says, Hey, I’m not happy about this one thing, guys tend to globalize. And we, what we hear is like, I think you’re worthless and incompetent. Like we globalize that she’s universally condemning us when she’s saying, Hey, here’s this one thing that’s not working for me. You know, I just got off a call with one of my clients and this is the exact dynamic. She complains about this one little thing. And then he just kind of collapses because he feels like she doesn’t respect him. And all she’s saying is like this one behavior that you’re exhibiting is really it’s hurtful to me.
GS:
So, because we feel like we’re being criticized and condemned, then we resist because then the ego gets involved. And to agree to what she’s saying, now, let me rephrase agree to the globalized way that we’re hearing. What she’s saying means to sort of admit that we’re worthless or incompetent or just unworthy in some way, that’s where guys get in trouble because they globalize and then they resist it because it’s too hard to hear. If men could just slow down, bring the nervous system down, you know, get more grounded that’s element one of the blueprint and just hear exactly what she’s saying and hear the pain in her heart. And one of the, one of the best quotes in the book is hear the pain, not the blame. And then you, you know, you might just hear like, oh, okay. Like I didn’t realize that’s how it was impacting, you know? And like, yeah, of course, baby, I don’t want to hurt you. So that’s not that big a deal. Thanks for, thanks for the reflection. I didn’t know that about myself.
Angela:
I like the way you’ve set your book up because the first part is the, the why and the what, what’s the problem of why. And then you just really do this deep dive into how, how are we going to fix it? How can you overcome this? And it’s really in depth, many counseling sessions packed into those chapters for somebody that’s going to take it seriously. I love the way you compared it to training. And I hear a lot of men talking about training, training, training, and they’re talking about physical training or discipline, but you talk about how you have to go, inner, you’re not going to solve this in your brain. And it struck me that that takes a lot of humility and that’s a choice.
GS:
Yeah. And, you know, humility, I wrote a chapter that I didn’t include in the book, but I am selling on my website around surrender. Yeah. Surrender into what is is very powerful because to fight what is, is weak and impotent, you can’t fight what is, it just is. You can’t fight the reality. You’ve got to work with the reality and see what’s possible. And so the act of surrendering into reality, and then as you said, becoming humble and saying, what can I learn from this? Let me just hear what my woman has to say. Let me just hear her pain without having to defend, without having to be right. And what can I learn from that? What could be true in what she’s saying? There’s usually, even if she’s saying something that’s totally wacky sounding to you, there’s some kernel of truth in there.
GS:
And so I really encourage men to be humble, surrender into reality and seeing what could be true here. What could I actually learn? And when you do that, man, you’re a woman feels heard. She feels seen, and it’s, it’s, it’s deeply nourishing for her when you take in her expressions of pain. And this is the kind of thing guys that I’ll say is, is you changing and then impacting how she’s behaving because when she feels nourished, heard, understood, and seen, she’s gonna get a lot more into her little kitten energy than she is when you’re denying her. It’s one of the things, yeah. It’s one of the things that makes the feminine so crazy is when we deny their reality. And so that’s where this, this kind of, this way of being can be so nourishing to the feminine.
Angela:
You know, I see a lot of talk about submission on, especially some of the more traditional sites. And just from a woman’s perspective, what you’re talking about, getting in that kitten energy, that’s more of an involuntary thing that happens when a woman feels safe and to me it feels like a melting. I don’t know if that helps anybody, but you feel like you’re just melting and you just want to like get close. Submission is another thing all together. And I think it has this place too, in a relationship. And it’s part of that dance and dynamic that goes back and forth is that, I mean, somebody has to be the leader. You know, I used to say this to my kids. Can you trust me here? And if you could get their buy-in, it would go a lot better. And I think that dynamic happens with the strong masculine sometimes it’s like, Hey, I’ve got a plan. Can you trust me? Can you work with me? And that’s more of that, that submission, but the surrender is just that sort of delicious, melting. Like you said, it’s like a purring kitten. That’s the good stuff.
GS:
Yeah. That is the good stuff. And guys have to earn that cannot expect that if you’ve not been reliable, if you’ve not brought clarity, if you’ve not followed through on what you said you were going to do, if you’ve not brought your presence and your groundedness and your openness to her complaint, if you, if you’re not doing those things, of course she doesn’t trust you. And of course she’s crabby at you. And of course, she’s not open to sexuality because you haven’t earned it. One of the things I just, I’m hard on guys. I’m putting all the burden on them because it’s empowering when it’s all on your shoulders. You may or may not be the problem, but you are the solution. And that’s what I want to get across the guys. It doesn’t matter how the fight got started, or if she misunderstood or said something crazy, you’re going to be the one to be the solution. You’re going to lead the two of you out of this relationship dysfunction in the moment. And so I’m really pushing the guys to do that. And the take on that mantle of responsibility,
Angela:
I think it’s so important for men to, to hear cause they may not. They might not realize it, but it does take one person to change the dance. And it might be awkward at first. And you might step on each other’s toes, but shifting the energy shifts things, you never know what’s going to happen, but at least you feel better about yourself when you’re dedicated and committed to training and working on yourself.
GS:
Yep. Couldn’t agree with you more Angela.
Angela:
I know that we probably don’t have a whole lot of time left, but I, I did want to go over the three key elements.
GS:
There’s three elements to the masculine blueprint that I lay out in the book. The first is respond versus react. So this is the quality of a man who he’s grounded. His nervous system is settled. Um, there’s a certain stillness about him that you can really feel from across the room. And you, I could say from the first moment he speaks, but you could actually see it before they speak. You just feel that everything they do is by choice. It’s not like, you know, reacting to every stimuli. And you’re kind of like a bird flitting about you’re actually choosing how you react, how you move, how you gesture, how you speak, that can be developed in a lot of ways. I go through the role of threat and anxiety and trauma on the nervous system and how that can really put you in an elevated state.
GS:
And in that elevated state, that trauma state is usually where your non masculine behaviors are occurring. You do therapy work. So you, you understand the role of trauma. And I think a lot of guys don’t realize like you don’t have to have been, you know, kidnapped by people by gypsies. You know, when you were a kid to have trauma. Yeah. Even the most well-meaning of parents can sometimes leave baby in the crib, crying a little too long and you get traumatized a little micro traumas that happen. So we all have trauma. That’s what puts us into a threat state where a non masculine behaviors come out. I also talk about the role of emotion and I talk about a very masculine way to be in touch with and express your emotions. And then I talk about, uh, uh, the importance of a daily embodiment practice. This is a huge deal that I, that I really work with. All my clients on is having a daily embodiment practice to really settle your nervous system. So all of that is, is my coverage of respond versus react. So that’s element one
Angela:
That first little bit, the respond versus react that whole digging into that. You explained childhood trauma. You told guys not to be stubborn about that. Don’t resist that you went into and explained each emotion, and then you really explained embodiment. And all three of those things are so difficult for men. It’s just really well done. It’s so easy to understand.
GS:
Yeah. Thank you, Angela. And I, I actually, I’m, I’m writing a book right now, a follow on called the art of embodiment. And I really want to go into embodiment and the subtle nuances that I like to teach that really make these practices very powerful. So I’ll let you know when, when that comes out, I have an online course, it’s in beta format right now. Cause I’m not quite done with it, but I’ve made it partially available. It’s on my website. You can check it out and take a look.
Angela:
That sounds good. The second…
GS:
Yeah. So yeah, the second element of the blueprint is provide structure. So this is the quality of a man who is number one, he’s clear on what he wants, what he needs, what he prefers and what his boundaries are. And you know, a lot of guys have lost touch with any of that. They’ve got their radar pointed out at what everybody else wants, particularly their feminine partner. And they just try to give it to them to make the other person happy. And that doesn’t work. It doesn’t feel good. What feels good is when you’ve got your radar, partially, at least not, not narcissistically, but partially turned inward. And to know yourself in any given situation, what do you want or need or require. And that’s, that’s really where I start with. A lot of guys is really starting to strengthen that, that muscle of knowing what they need.
GS:
So you’ve got to start with clarity and then you bring that clarity to the relationship. And that can mean being decisive and making decisions or alternatively, because you’re not making all the decisions. That’s not, that’s the 1950s. That’s not how it is now, but you’re making sure a decision gets made. And so you’re really pushing the two of you to make a decision. And so you’re assembling the facts. You’re setting a deadline for you guys to sit down and talk about it. You’re soliciting her opinion. You maybe you’re even asking her to make the decision, but you’re framing it. So within, within the store, the container you set, she gets to not gets to, but she, in this case makes the decision because maybe she’s more competent at something. And so that, and especially in today’s world, that’s often the case.
Angela:
You had a great example of that in the book. And you said, you’re not a great cook, but your partner is a good cook. So when you’re in the kitchen, you directed her to tell you what to do. And I thought that was pretty hilarious that you’re directing her to tell you what to do. So even in that, you’re embodying that masculine leadership.
GS:
Exactly, exactly. What we’re talking about here is a situation where she’s actually better than you at something, whether it’s making a decision or a certain kind of activity or a task, but if you’re going to be in your masculine energy, you can still bring the structure for that. So as you pointed out earlier, it’s saying, Hey baby, you might like, my mom is better at choosing hotels than me. When we go vacation, I pick a place and we get there and it’s like, wow, this is not what the pictures look like. But somehow she’s way better at ferreting that out. So what I’ll do is I’ll ask her, Hey, I’m going to do X, Y, and Z. And we’re going to be in, you know, a Madrid on October 12th through the 15th. Can you pick us a hotel? Can you take that on? Thank you, baby. So I’m creating the structure. I’m creating the forward momentum on planning for this trip, but I’m asking her to do a specific thing. And that’s a way to create structure while still honoring the capability of your feminine partner.
Angela:
I think the last thing I would say on that is you referenced the tango. I just thought that was a beautiful example of how you can create a dance that’s enjoyable.
GS:
Yeah. The, the dance analogy is, is a very valid one. And in tango, which is a very strong lead follow, the lead is an invitation. It’s not compulsion, so you’re not moving her body where you want it to go. It’s actually an opening. And she in, in tango, you know, with an opening, then that’s where you’re supposed to move through. So it becomes an invitation. So for the modern man, this is the way to be in your power and honor your strong woman because your leadership is an invitation. It’s not a demand. It’s not control.
Angela:
Yeah. What about the third element?
GS:
Yeah. The third element is create safety. So we could be talking about physical financial or emotional safety, financial safety. I don’t talk a lot about it in the book. You know, there’s a lot of two working parents, you know, couples or families. And I think increasingly, and for the most part, women are not as dependent as they were, uh, in days of old, but to be responsible with money, to be directional with your money, to be, to be conducting yourself in a way where you can provide at least your part of the equation and like making speculative investments on things that are not vetted is a very irresponsible way of handling your money, not taking your work seriously and your growth and your career seriously. So you continue to earn more. So you can be a provider in a certain way. That’s not responsible.
GS:
And if you’re in a relationship where she’s making all the money, I know that that, that should be fine in our modern world. And it is fine, informationally speaking, but it’s going to create a power imbalance where she’s trusting you slightly less. Now, maybe your creation is not about money. Maybe you’re an artist and you’re creating something. So you could have that kind of arrangement. But if you’re not doing something out in the world and she’s out making all the things happen, that’s going to mess with your polarity. In most cases, physical safety, I don’t talk much about, I think that speaks for itself in a lot of ways, but in the sequel, I’m going to go into a lot of ways that you might not expect physical safety to manifest, but I do talk a lot about emotional safety. And I think this is the number one thing women, women complain about in their relationship is not feeling safe with their man.
GS:
And so if he says, I’m going to call at eight o’clock and never calls or calls an hour and a half later, I’ll be home at 10 o’clock. And then he gets home an hour and a half later to say, you’re going to pick the milk up. And you don’t. Those are the things that make her feel unsafe because you’re not following through on your word. If she’s saying I’m upset and you say, no, no, no. Let me tell you what, what you should really be feeling. You’re denying her reality. That makes women feel really unsafe in my own experience. Yeah. So that’s a lot of things that you can do to make your woman feels safe and unsafe. And chapter 14 in the book is probably my favorite chapter, because it’s about dealing with your woman when she’s, you know, when she’s upset and if you’re denying her emotional state, then she’s going to feel very unsafe. So I go through a whole host of ways to deal with your woman when, when she’s in an emotional state and the end goal is to create emotional safety for her. That’s, what’s going to get her to relax and trust you more. And soften is when she feels emotionally safe. And one of the hardest thing for guys to figure out me included, it’s always a challenge when we don’t handle these things skillfully.
Angela:
Yeah. And as a woman, I will say, when you feel that Tempest rising, it’s such a relief to have a man that hold his frame and hold his presence. And I’ve even noticed like my older son he’ll come and put his hands on my shoulders and look me in the eyes and just say something that’s true. And I feel myself coming back to myself. And you say a lot about that in the book too, about lead her back to her heart. Yeah. She doesn’t want to be out there swirling around. She doesn’t want to be crazy mama. She wants to be centered in her heart and men have such an ability to help her get back there.
GS:
Yeah, absolutely. I want to reiterate the point that that was just made. She doesn’t want to be in this chaotic, emotional state. She doesn’t want to be where she’s mean and, and really lashing out like the feminine doesn’t want to be like that. It’s just in the moment that that feminine energy arises and there’s an emotionality that flares up it’s uncontrolled. It’s uncontained. I mean, honestly guys, it’s the flip side of the juicy parts of her that you do, like where she’s uncontrolled and uncontained, maybe in the bedroom, but with our emotional state, you’re going to get the second half of that coin, which is sometimes the emotions can be, uh, less controlled and she doesn’t want to be that way that therein lies the opening for you to step in and provide some groundedness. Like you just said, Angela. Yeah.
Angela:
You know, one thing that I have told my clients in the past, and I saw that message come across in your book is if you picture yourself as like the Knight in shining armor on the white horse and you’re riding up, when you get to the castle, you’re not going to get the little sweet princess. You’re probably going to encounter the tyrant queen. But if you look up in the little turret window, there’s a little girl hoping that you’ll keep pushing through for her. I hope that men can get that message. You know, emotionally, the little girl wants you to come for her. Sometimes you have to get past the tyrant queen first.
GS:
Yeah. It’s very confusing for guys because you know, the most powerful woman is going to have that little girl inside her and I’ve done some posts on this. And I that’s, I want, I want guys to do exactly what you said is see past the tyrant queen and to the little girl inside of her. That’s scared that maybe has some residue from her dynamic with her own father. And she she’s hoping that you’ll step in. And you know, this is an interesting point because in the, in the red pill, I don’t know if you know that phrase, but the red pill or kind of the alpha community, she brings out that Tyrant Queen, I’m walking, I’m out. Like I don’t stand for that. You know, it’s like, okay, well, that’s cool, but it’s not relational. And this is where, what I’m bringing to the table is going to step beyond.
GS:
I like the, I like the agency of red pill and alpha. What I don’t like is the, is the next step, which is the relational step. And I think that’s what you’re describing is the ability to see past the tyrant queen now, because you’re not going to just sit there and take it. But you’re also not going to just put up hard boundaries at the slightest whiff of, of her, you know, discontent. You can actually stand in the fire. And this is what I want to teach guys is sometimes you could stand in the fire and just, you know, in your mind, you’re like, oh, that’s cute. You know, baby, where you’re where you’re so livid at me. And I can see the deeper part of you. That’s scared. And I’m right here. Like that’s relational. That’s going to melt a woman walking away at the first sign of trouble because you’ve got a hard, alpha boundary. It’s not relational. So you’re going to, you’re going to reap what you sow with that, but it’s probably not going to be an ongoing, healthy relationship. In most cases,
Angela:
You know, you’ve talked about the exhortations of men in the book and I wrote down carnival barkers. And it’s like those guys at the fair that are just like, Hey, come on my tent. Let me show you what I got over here. And it’s outward things that you can do to make yourself more masculine. And this is such an inner journey. Some of the things that you mentioned seem so complicated, but you do a really good job of really breaking it down. So anybody who’s hearing this, just trust me, get the book. You’ll understand it better.
GS:
Thank you for the plug. Yeah.
Angela:
Well, I know that we probably need to scoot, but I have one more quote from the book I wanted to read. It’s on page 64, it says your masculine offering is to simplify the world’s complexity for her to reduce the confusion and stress that are inherent in life to synthesize information and drive decisions, to orient everyone toward a goal and move things forward. I just think that’s a really beautiful encapsulation of the masculine gift. Not just even to your woman, but to the world in general. And I’ve had bosses that really embody that, that make people feel safe and to narrow it down and lead everybody.
GS:
Yeah, I think the, the, the root of all of that is be an organizing force in your world. If you really want to bring masculine energy that you transmit to the world, be an organizing force, bring more clarity for everybody. Doesn’t mean you’re in charge. It brings you bring clarity organization direction to everybody around you. And you’re going to find the world a better place because of your efforts.
Angela:
Yeah. Well, I really appreciate you joining me today. If someone wants to get in touch with you or find you on Instagram, what is the best way to do that?
GS:
Yeah, there’s, there’s lots of ways. So GSyoungblood.com is the website. So please check it out. Ya’ll also get on my mailing list, which is very important on Instagram, which is kind of my primary social presence. Uh, @GSyoungbloodmir (masculine in relationship). I’ve got a lot of content that I think people are really enjoying. So please do follow the page and share with other people that, you know, GSYoungblood1 on Facebook, and then also on Facebook, I have a Masculine in Relationship discussion group. So guys, please join that and reach out and join in the conversation where we were supporting each other. As I mentioned before, I’ve got an embodiment course, the art of embodiment for men that is coming out, you can get a beta copy. That’s discounted right now, and I’ll finish it over the next few months.
GS:
And that’s for people that really want to do a deep dive on these embodiment exercises, which as I said before, are, are the number one thing that a man can do to really ground his nervous system. And then I do one-on-one and group coaching, reach out if you, uh, if you’ve got any interest in coaching, uh, sometime later this year, maybe I don’t have my own clarity on it because I, I need to get it prioritized is a dark energy workshop. And so this is really taking nice guys and getting them to bring more dark energy to the equation, which quite frankly, a lot of their female partners are hungry for, especially from these nice guys. But those are all the ways that you can interact with my work. Yeah.
Angela:
Well, thanks for joining and I really look forward to seeing what you’re up to next.
GS:
Thanks, Angela. That was a lot of fun. Thank you for having me on.